just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
