SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
