I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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