I think I just saw someone hide a body.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
