I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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