I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
only if we run a train.
done.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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