I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
