i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
