You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Please don't give away my fajitas
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
