pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I fill condoms, not promises.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
