yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
