so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
