Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
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Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
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Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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