i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
