If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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