Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
