I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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