Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
