Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
