Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
