He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
