It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
