I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
