I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
