I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
