I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
