I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
