I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
