i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
