I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
