Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Found your dick twin last night
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
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You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize