Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
