His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
