But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
