When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
