3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
