What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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