I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
