so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
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Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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