dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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