You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
