I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
