I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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