I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
