Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
