A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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