i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
