It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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