last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
