No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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