I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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