There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
