She is in my trunk
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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