Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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