just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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