dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
