He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
