You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
