please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
